Four Ways to Deal with Frustration (the Right Way)

Unfortunately, I parked where a flock of birds decided to do their “business”.

Which meant my car needed help asap. I pulled into the car wash, smiled at the attendant, and politely asked for special attention to the mess. I even paid extra for the super-duper wash.

But when I returned to my car, I noticed the vacuuming job was a B+ at best, and my back window was still covered in spots.

I patiently asked for the window to be re-cleaned, and it was. But…when I pulled back around to the vacuum attendant, I was completely ignored. Several minutes later, I resigned myself to accept the B+ job. A clean car isn’t a major life issue, after all. However, when I drove away, the sunlight revealed one side of my windshield hadn’t been cleaned at all.

Now I was frustrated.

I circled back to the car wash, pointed out the error, and looked more closely at the exterior of my car. There were water spots everywhere. While the car wash attendant dealt with my dirty window, I grabbed a towel and tackled the water spots.

The more I scrubbed, the more frustrated I got. Hadn’t I paid for someone else to do this?

“What ever happened to a thing called work ethic?” I muttered under my breath…but loud enough to hear.

Just then, I looked up. The other patrons were watching me. My face grew hot. They hadn’t witnessed the entire scenario. They’d only seen a snap shot of me: a woman frantically wiping spots off her car, muttering under her breath. They surely thought I was one of “those” people. The high maintenance, uber-demanding ones.

I felt embarrassed.

Which led me to consider: What’s the right way to deal with frustration? Because it happens to all of us. Here are four ways to handle frustration the right way:

1. Anticipate Potential Frustration

In retrospect, I should have anticipated potential frustration. Yesterday wasn’t the first time the service at this particular car wash was sub-par. More realistic expectations on my part could have alleviated much of my frustration–or removed it all together.

But I fell into the trap many of us fall into: Thinking, but they are SUPPOSED to…

Yes, they were supposed to. But based on my previous experience, I knew full well what should happen, might not. Frustration bubbles to the surface when we base our expectations on what SHOULD happen, rather than anticipating what COULD happen.

Best case scenarios only happen in best cases. Much of life, though, is lived not in the best cases, but in less-than-best places.

To avoid unnecessary frustration, we must plant our expectations in the land of reality. Frustration happens when expect the ideal, rather than the real.

To complicate matters, what we think is supposed to be, is not necessarily what someone else thinks is supposed to be. Any woman who’s ever thought the man in her life “should just know” has dealt with frustration which has its roots in “supposed to”, “ought to” or “know to”. When our “should” is not the same as someone else’s “should”, frustration is just a matter of time.

[bctt tweet=”Expect the real, not the ideal, and you’ll be better equipped to deal with your day.” username=”donnajonesspeak”]

2.  Address What You Should and Let Go of the Rest

All of us fall somewhere on a continuum of how we process frustration. On the far left are the “say everything on your mind” folks; on the far right are the “just let it go” people. Which is right?

It depends.

In truth, sometimes frustration is best addressed head on. Other times, though, frustration is best addressed by letting it go. [bctt tweet=”Wisdom knows when to say something, and when to say nothing.” username=”donnajonesspeak”]

How do you know when it’s best to speak up? Say something if the problem:

1. Is likely to occur again
2. Has the potential for significant negative impact
3. Could cause bigger issues down the road, if left unaddressed
4. Has ethical or moral implications

When should you let something go? Say nothing if the problem:

1. Is a one-time occurrence, and not likely to be repeated
2. Will have no real negative impact on you, or others

3.  Be Aware of Your Own Vulnerability 

Some days it’s just easier to handle frustration than others. Case in point: last week I traveled to speak at an event, and encountered numerous travel setbacks: I accidentally booked my return home flight for May, rather than March (for real!), had a three-hour flight delay, and rented a car from the rental company from hell. Sure, the situations were frustrating, but you know what? I didn’t get upset–or even stressed–at all.

Yesterday though, I was exhausted. My physical resources were tapped dry, which left my emotional capacity to handle frustration, low. Little things became big things.

It’s the same for you. When you’re tired, stressed, worried, sick, late, or hungry, your capacity to handle inconvenience and disappointment, diminishes.

To better handle frustration, we must live aware of our vulnerable moments, days, or seasons of life. Otherwise, we run the risk of blaming other people for our frustration, when the real problem is us.

If we know when we could become frustrated, we increase the likelihood that we won’t become frustrated.

4. Express Frustration to the Right Person, in the Right Way, at the Right Time

OK, this is a big one. Many of us hold in our frustrations until we’re wound so tight our pent-up emotions come spilling out onto people who aren’t even the source of our frustration. Our spouse. Our kids. Our roommate. A stranger. Ourselves (ulcer, anyone?) In our effort to live in control, we end up completely out of control. I don’t have to tell you how unhealthy this is. You already know.

If you find yourself living this unhealthy scenario, express your frustration in its early stages–before it becomes too big for you to contain. The sooner you talk about an issue, the more likely you can do so calmly, and the less likely it’s a big issue (yet), making it easier to resolve. Even better, you’ll be dealing with one frustrating issue at a time, rather than a whole boat load of frustrations at once, which–and let’s just be honest here–is nearly impossible to handle well.

It’s equally important to chose the right time and place to express frustration. Generally, private expression is better than public expression. Let love be your guide.

Frustrations are part of life. I deal with them. You deal with them. But they don’t have to be all bad. When we express our frustration to the right person, the right way, the right time, little frustrations have the potential to become great conversations.

Ironically, during last week’s travel debacle, I walked into my hotel room to find these lovely items in the bath. It made me giggle.

 

So maybe there’s a fifth way to handle frustration the right way: Keep calm and laugh.

What’s your secret to handling frustration the right way? Share a comment. We’d all love to know!