How Not to Ruin the Holidays (a Plan to Handle Awkward Conversations and Weird Conflict)

Years ago, we stayed at a relative’s home for an extended family gathering. On the morning of our departure, I washed our sheets to remake our bed, hoping to lessen the work a houseful of guests creates. While transferring the sheets from the washer to the dryer a relative–not the hostess–entered the laundry room, her face flushed red, clearly upset.

She waved her finger in my face and, with every ounce of venom a human can muster, she unleashed her anger over something I said she deemed politically incorrect and “profoundly (to her) offensive”.

Ironically, I’d been intentional about being respectful and kind to this relative because I knew her religious and political beliefs differed from mine. I had no idea I’d offended her. I certainly hadn’t meant to offend her. I’d tried really, really hard to do the opposite. Her accusation caught me totally off guard.

I felt like a hostage held captive by her angst.

Enter the holidays of 2024.

Recently, I’ve had several conversations with friends who are concerned about potential conflicts during the holiday season.

Some worry about family members who have differing political beliefs. Others dread a critical, controlling relative. Still others feel pressure from a myriad of expectations from mothers, mothers-in-laws, sisters, children, spouses, and friends.

In my latest book, Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life I wrote about situations we’re likely to face–especially during the holidays–in a chapter called, How to Stop Conflict Before it Starts.

Bottom line: We need a plan.

Just as we’d never ‘wing” a holiday dinner, throwing something on the table made from whatever we have in our refrigerator, we can’t “wing” the potential relational landmines a houseful of people can create. We need a relational “menu”.

While researching Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life I stumbled on the work of police psychologist and hostage negotiator George A. Kohlrieser. He says real-life hostage situations aren’t planned, but—and this is key—hostage negotiators have a plan for the unplanned. In other words, they know certain conflicts are bound to happen, so they prepare their response before the pressure of the moment.

While our conflicts won’t likely be as stressful as a life-or-death conflict hostage negotiators encounter, still, all potential conflict needs pre-thought-out plans or strategies. To help us formulate a plan, here are four primary strategies, taken from the paybook of real-life hostage negotiators.

Establish Emotional Connection
Demonstrate Good Intentions
Pause When Things Get Heated
Have a Team

Establish an Emotional Connection

Often a positive emotional connection can cut conflict off at the pass. We can forge this connection within seconds by greeting someone with a warm, “Hello! I’m so glad to be here!” (or “I’m so glad you’re here!”).

Asking about topics that are important to the other person (“What’s happening with the kids?” “What’s the latest at work?” “How was your recent trip?”) shows we care, and we keep the conversation centered around neutral issues. If the conversation becomes awkward, shared funny memories are a great way to keep everyone positive and feeling a sense of connection.

Plan to keep a positive attitude and plan positive topics of conversation.

But what if, despite our efforts, the conversation turns caustic?

If things go south, we can establish an emotional connection by saying things like, “I can tell this is important to you” “I know you feel strongly about this” or “I understand why you’re upset.”

When used wisely, humor can diffuse tension and establish an emotional connection. It’s hard to stay angry when you’re laughing. Just make sure to use humor at the right time, the right way, with the right person. Nothing’s quite so awkward as a joke that makes things worse rather than better.

Demonstrate Good Intentions

We can demonstrate good intentions by being proactively helpful, especially during holiday visits. Offer to wash dishes, clean up after ourselves, and show respect for other people’s time and possessions. If we’re hosting, we can resolve in advance to take pleasure in doing what the Bible instructs us to do–serve one another in love. Jesus said, “Whatever you do to others you do to me.” (Matthew 25:40) Picture yourself serving Jesus as you serve the finicky family member.

Another powerful (and often overlooked) way we demonstrate good intentions is to be flexible, especially when lots of family members are involved. Flexibility can go miles in communicating “I value you and I value this relationship.”

But what if, despite our good intentions, things get dicey?

We can say things like, “Our relationship is important to me” “Let’s see if there’s a way we can resolve this so we both feel satisfied with the outcome,” “I want to do what’s best for everyone involved” or even, “I’m so sorry I offended you. I would never intentionally hurt your feelings.”

Often, words like these will diffuse tension.

But not always.

So, we need a third plan.

Pause to Take a Break

We are not obligated to become enmeshed in someone else’s emotional mess.

Reread that sentence. You may need it.

And, just in case you need a reminder, we are not to create an emotional mess for others, either.

During conflict one of the most essential fruits of the Spirit is self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). Pushing pause on a conflict allows space for this.

A pause is not avoidance.

A pause is an opportunity for intense reactions to settle and gives both parties the opportunity for an emotional reset. We might say something like, “I can see that we’re not going to be able to figure this out right now. Let’s push pause.” Or “I’d like to think about this. I’ll get back to you.”

When there’s pushback on the pause, a more direct, “I’m going to end the conversation now” might be necessary. Other times a more indirect approach to establish a pause will work best. For instance, we can push pause on an opinionated dinner guest by saying something like, “That’s an interesting perspective. Who’d like coffee? I also have tea. How many for each?” and then make a beeline for the kitchen.

No one has the right to hold us hostage by generating unnecessary conflict.

Have a Team

Finally, just as hostage negotiators work as a team, sometimes we need a team, too. As we formulate our response to an anticipated conflict it’s best to run our thoughts by our spouse or godly friend. An objective opinion greatly increases our chance of preparing the wisest response.

And, if we have a team, and our effort at resolving conflict doesn’t work out as we hoped, we won’t second guess how we handled it.

Summing it All Up

Conflict is part of life, especially when family is involved. To increase the likelihood of a joy-filled, peaceful holiday, plan for possible relational pitfalls just as carefully as you plan your holiday menu. Don’t “wing” it.

Establish Emotional Connection
Demonstrate Good Intentions
Pause When Things Get Heated
Have a Team

Lord, I desperately want less conflict in my life. Please help me give grace to my loved ones’ little-bit-of-crazy and own my crazy side, too. Show me where my expectations have not been realistic. Point out any way I have tried to communicate my wants, needs, and expectations in a way that’s been unclear or unkind. Give me your wisdom to plan a godly response for relationships that always seem to go south. Thank you that you will do all these things and more. Help me stay attuned to your voice. Amen.

PS. Do yourself a favor and purchase your copy of Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life today. It’s on sale for a limited time!