How to Cut Your Frustration Level in Half

Three couples sat around Ed and Angie’s patio table, stuffed from a delicious meal, enjoying the last remnants of our conversation on a picture perfect end-of-summer evening.  “What one factor, more than any other, determines whether or a not a person is happy?” our friend Ed quizzed the rest of us.  He’d just finished a book on happiness he ranked right up there in his top ten favorites.

We all took a stab at guessing; “Contentment?  Family?  Love?” Some of us were close, but none of us were right.

Turns out those of us with low expectations are happier than those of us with high expectations.

Go figure.

I suppose it really does make sense.  A person with low expectations is rarely disappointed.  And if circumstances turn out better than expected, then it’s a bonus.  Case in point:  yesterday I spent two hours (yes, you read that right) on the phone making arrangements to exchange our new mattress. And here’s the kicker—I didn’t get frustrated or upset even once. Now before you nominate me for sainthood, let me clarify that the reason I didn’t flip out over the length of the call was because it was my fifth phone call in the last few weeks, all of which have taken at least and hour and a half.

Believe me, the first couple of calls I had very different expectations than I did yesterday. And a very different level of happiness. Experience, however, taught me to bring my expectations in line with reality so yesterday I sailed through the process with very little frustration.  As an extra bonus I put away groceries, did laundry and started dinner. I probably could have even learned to Salsa in the time I spent on the phone.

The only problem is, sometimes you can’t (or won’t) lower your expectations.

“Hey Johnny, you lied about turning in your homework on time?  And you came home two hours after curfew? Oh well, I really didn’t expect you to follow instructions” just won’t fly in the real world. At least not the functioning one.

Which is why people—including those we love—can make us so darn frustrated sometimes.  If you’ve ever heard me speak on marriage you know the ice cream story and how JP coined the phrase “Expectation without communication leads to frustration”. Applying that one phrase has saved us a thousand headaches.  And heartaches.  And…dare I say it?  Made us happier people.

The key to more harmony and happiness and less hassle is not to avoid having expectations (impossible anyway) but to keep our expectations realistic and make them known. Which, as I’ve observed in the past few weeks, turns out to be a lot harder for people than your might expect (there’s that word again).

Seems many of us have unrealistic expectations.  Things like perfection from our kids, co-workers or spouses (come on, it’s time to admit it if you get frustrated when your spouse is forgetful or your child is irresponsible).  Heck, most women I know expect perfection from themselves.  No wonder we struggle to be content.  I’m not saying we should lower the bar to the least common denominator; I’m suggesting we come to terms with where we’ve actually set the bar and be honest enough to evaluate whether or not our expectations are realistic.

An unrealistic expectation is a crazy maker waiting to happen.

Sometimes our expectations can be realistic but we fail to make them clear. Why?  Well, sometimes we figure people will have the same expectations we do.  Sometimes we’re afraid to speak up.  Sometimes we’d rather use the passive-aggressive approach. Sometimes we’re busy or lazy or just don’t stop to think about it. This week—this week—I’ve witnessed the frustration that occurs when people don’t make their expectation clear (and not from anybody I know well or these comments wouldn’t have made it into print).  Here’s how it looks and sounds in action:

“You’re not going to  ____________ are you?” (said jokingly while clearly sending a message of disapproval)

“Hmm…are you sure??” Trying to manipulate the outcome by second guessing a decision that’s been made but failing to give input before the decision was made.

Withdrawing approval by using the silent treatment until another acquiesces.

Anger. Resentment.  Bitterness.

In each of these circumstances someone had an expectation they failed to make clear.  They hinted their expectation, they tried to manipulate another into fulfilling their expectation or they vented their expectation.  And it drove everyone involved nuts.

An unspoken expectation is a crazy maker waiting to happen.

So how do you know if your expectations are too high or too vague?  Do you find yourself saying things like:

I just assumed you would…

Everybody knows that…

It’s obvious that…

I can’t believe you thought….

You make me so frustrated…

If these words have left your lips, or even crossed your mind recently, it’s a good sign that what seems like an apparent expectation to you isn’t an apparent expectation to someone else.

My niece and her husband visited us for the first time on Wednesday.  He entertained us with stories about new college grads and some of the real life conversations he’d had with more than a few of his young employees.  “You can’t post a picture of yourself drop down drunk on Facebook when you’re on a business trip”.

Well, duh.  Obvious. But apparently not to everyone.

An obvious expectation to some must be spelled out to others.

The value of making our expectations realistic and clear can’t be underestimated.

Our daughter Ashton must have picked up the value of communicating expectations somewhere along the way.  Earlier this summer, while our family lingered over dinner she broached a difficult subject she could have easily failed to verbalize.

“May I say something that’s bothering me?” she began.

“I totally get why you and Dad can’t help me move back to college (both of us had booked speaking engagement well in advance of knowing the date she had to return to Alabama) but it makes me really sad and kind of overwhelmed that I have to figure out how to get my stuff out of storage and moved in all by myself. I guess I just expected that one of you two would be there with me.”

Wow. She didn’t beat around the bush. She didn’t sweep it under the rug, pretending it didn’t matter. She didn’t act sulky and try to make us figure out what was bothering her. She didn’t pressure us or guilt us or manipulate us. She didn’t get angry with us.

She simply told us.

The next day I changed my return ticket home so I could drive straight from my speaking engagement in Atlanta to Alabama to be with my girl. I don’t think anything could have made either of us happier.

There’s satisfaction in expressing our expectations in a loving, respectful way.

Of course, expectations can’t always be fulfilled though they can be expressed. Happy, emotionally healthy people can handle the fact that expressing an expectation doesn’t automatically obligate another person to fulfill it.

So in this new season, when there is bound to be new activities, new responsibilities and new challenges, there will also be new expectations.  Do yourself a favor. Do everyone you’re in relationship with a favor, too. Make your expectations realistic and make them clear. Allow others to do the same.

Expectation without communication leads to frustration.  Frustrated people aren’t happy people.

So I guess Ed was right, a key to happiness really does rest on our expectations after all.

 

…speaking the truth in love… Ephesians 4:15

For Further Thought…

1. How have your been frustrated or angry recently?  Can you trace your frustration back to an unmet expectation?

2. Do you find it hard to verbalize your expectations?  If so, how can you (lovingly but clearly) express your thoughts?

3. Do you have any expectations that are unrealistic and are leaving you constantly frustrated?  How can you revise those expectation to reflect reality?

4. Do you tend to speak in vague generalities when it comes to expressing your expectations rather than being clear?  With whom do you tend to communicate vaguely most?  A child?  A spouse?  An extended family member? At work? In what way do you need to be more specific?