The Blog Post Your Family and Friends Hope You Read and Remember

It was a normal Wednesday afternoon. No fan fare. No lights, cameras or drama.

I sat at the corner table, the one on the restaurant patio near the parking lot, making it easy to see her as she hopped out of her white SUV, her two elementary age boys close behind. Their conversation was clearly a continuation of what one of the boys told her in the car.

“Everyone has a bad day sometimes. And that’s OK. But even if you have a bad day, you still need to be kind.” She paused, before continuing. “When you say ‘I won’t be your friend anymore’ those words can’t be taken back”.

And as quickly as she’d appeared into my view, she and her boys were gone.

I wanted to stand up and applaud that nameless mom who took time to teach her kids about how to handle negative emotions in a not-so-negative way. In this day and age where many feel the freedom—no, the right—to say whatever they feel whenever they feel it, her wisdom was a refreshing reminder.

Because expression without discretion has consequences.

If a kid’s words cut deep, an adult’s words cut deeper. Words said out of hurt, anger or frustration rarely–if ever–reap the outcomes we want. We express our feelings because we want change. Expressing ourselves in destructive ways only produces destructive change (the relationship gets worse); but expressing ourselves in productive ways reaps productive change (the relationship gets better). Sure, grown-ups don’t generally say “I won’t be your friend anymore” but too often they adultify (yes, I made that word up) pretty much the same sentiment.

You’re such a ______________(insert negative description).

I’m not sure I ever loved you.

Why did I have kids in the first place?

Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother/anyone other than you?

Ouch. These words make hearing “I won’t be your friend anymore” seem like a walk in the park. Our words can wound. Deep. Saying “I didn’t really mean it” afterwards is like putting a Band-aid on a knife cut. It helps, but not much.

Because expression without discretion has consequences.

Becoming a person who’s kind even when they don’t feel like being kind takes maturity. It doesn’t come naturally.

Here’s phrase that keeps rattling around in my mind: Be kind, even when you want to respond in kind. Because isn’t that the temptation?

He says something hurtful; you say something hurtful.

She gets snippy; you get snippy.

They’re critical; you’re critical.

And on it goes. Except once words are out there’s no taking them back.

Our middle school youth director told me something her mom used to say when she was a child: “Did your words give that person a happy face or a sad face?”

Genius.

We can all remember that.

My words to my husband, did they give him a happy face or a sad face? How about my words to my kids? Happy face or sad face? What about my words to my roommate or friend or co-worker or the stranger I may never see again? Did my words give them a happy face or a sad face?

Yes, we all have bad days and occasional bad moments. And that’s OK. But even if we have a bad day when can still be kind.

We can be kind rather than respond in kind.

Our words can give someone a happy face or sad face.

I guess we never outgrow the need for some good old-fashioned mom wisdom like this.

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful,

so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. “(Ephesians 4:29)

Special Note:  If you live in southern California join Donna live at the KKLA 99.5fm “Women’s Night Out Event” in Pasadena on Friday, April 8th. It’s a big, totally fun, super encouraging shin-dig, with comedian, Amberly Neese, amazing worship, shopping, food, and Donna as the keynote speaker. For more information click here .