Are you ready? Drum roll, please. Today we’re finding out what type of parenting style you use based on the quiz from Wednesday’s blog post (if you missed the quiz click here).
In my book, Raising Kids with Good Manners (which you can pre-order now) I discuss nine ineffective parenting styles which sometimes even good parents use. The danger of these parenting styles is that in using them, parents are unknowingly training their child NOT to listen to them, NOT to obey them and NOT to respect them. Pretty scary, wouldn’t you say?
Obviously, then, it’s imperative to know whether or not you’re employing one of these ineffective parenting methods. In the book I discuss all nine parenting styles, but in the quiz I targeted four of those nine. In no particular order here they are….
The Repeating Parent
The Threatening Repeating Parent
The Doormat Parent
The “She’s Lost Her Marbles Parent”
So which one are you?
If you answered TRUE to questions number 1, 4, 6 and 19 in all likelihood you’re a REPEATING parent. The feeling associated with this parenting style is most often frustration. She wonders why won’t by child listen to what I say? Why do have to repeat myself over and over and over? By repeating yourself, or by counting to three, you’ve unknowingly trained your child NOT to listen to you—at least until your counting reaches two and a half. What’s the solution? Help your child learn to obey your instructions the first time you say them. Give instructions one time, if your child doesn’t listen, stop what you are doing, calmly walk over to your child and “help” them obey, whether by taking their hand or picking them up (if they’re small) or by requiring immediate action while you watch (if you’ve asked them to do something like turn off the TV, for example). Does this take time? At first, yes. But in the long run your child will learn that mom says what she means and means what she says, and everyone will be happier.
If you answered TRUE to questions 2, 6, 9 and 19 you are probably a THREATENING REPEATING parent. This parenting style is similar to the first, but adds the element of threat. This parent’s feelings of frustration give way to anger and then, sometimes, to resignation. You might label this parent as largely “all bark and no bite”, because they find it hard to carry out their threats. Or they end up giving up, doing, or re-doing their child’s chores all the while threatening their child with consequences they never seem to dole out. What’s the solution? Stop threatening consequences you can’t or won’t carry out. It’s really that simple (although not easy!). If you don’t stop threatening, your child will never learn to listen to you, head you or respect you. Why would they? You’ve trained them not to. One the other hand, when you immediately and consistently follow through with appropriate consequences you’re free from intense anger that builds us over time and your child learns to listen and obey. It’s a win-win.
If you answered TRUE to questions 6,10,11,12,13,16, 18, and 20 you are probably a DOORMAT parent. This parent feels out of control in their own home. What once was fun is now a drag and this parent feels beaten down by constant whining, begging, crying, fighting or negotiating. Bribery is her parenting tool of choice and she gives in more than she knows she should. Sometimes this parent fears that if she stands her ground her child won’t like her. What’s the solution? If you were here with me in private I might say “put your big girl panties on and be the grown-up” (hope that doesn’t offend you!) but since I just said it anyway…that’s really the solution. And that doesn’t mean get mad. It means think about how you respond to your child before you respond, so you have a game plan. Then stick to the game plan. Period. “No” means “no”. Walk away from a child that keeps begging. Ask a child whose whining to repeat what they are saying without the whine. Don’t be the child—be the parent. Your child needs you to be, and wants you to be, the one who lovingly calls the shots. Even if they push back—and they will.
If you answered TRUE to questions 6, 7, 14 and 19 you’re probably the LOST HER MARBLES parent. This parent wonders where all the anger came from. She never dreamed she could get so mad because before she had kids she remembers being nice. The primary feeling this parent experiences is guilt. She knows she shouldn’t yell, but she can’t find any other way to make her children listen. And still they don’t. So what’s the solution? Today—right now—sit down for five minutes and make a list of the top three triggers in your home. All families have situations where they can pretty much anticipate things going sour: Lost shoes. Running late. Kids dressing too slowly. Dinner time meltdowns. Bedtime struggles. Whatever yours are, list them. Then come up two strategies; one for how you will circumvent the problem (i.e. a healthy snack or good afternoon nap before dinner meltdown, or planning tomorrows clothes the night before school) and one strategy for how YOU are going to handle the circumstance (without yelling) when it goes south. Prepare yourself before the battle and you’ll have fewer battles to fight.
OK parents, that’s it! Four of the nine ineffective parenting styles and some quick solutions if you find yourself relating to any them. Oh, and by the way…if you answered TRUE to questions 3, 5, 8, and 15 you’re the EFFECTIVE PARENT. Parenting isn’t easy—I know, I’ve been on the journey for over two decades—but when you’re armed with the right tools there’s nothing that will bring you greater joy. Happy Parenting!
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My I please place an order for your book!
Of course! I’ll let you know just as soon as they’re available–should be about 2 weeks.