I take you…
For better or worse
For richer or poorer
In sickness and health
Forsaking all others
For as long as we both shall live.
If we’re married we said these words, or something similar, on our wedding day. And we meant them. Because honestly, most of us were too naive to think that seasons of hardship, disappointments and misunderstandings would ever creep into our lives, our marriages. Somehow being worse, or poorer or sicker just didn’t seem in the realm of possibility on the day we donned our gorgeous white dresses and spiffy tuxes.
But sooner or later every married couple wakes up to reality (By the way, every single person eventually wakes up to reality, too). It’s called real life.
The great thing is, though, that journeying through the ups and downs of life with someone by our side makes us better, stronger, wiser.
JP and I are speaking at a marriage conference this weekend. As I’m contemplating some of the finer points of what I want to say, I thought I would ask for your input. If you could pick someone’s brain about having a happy marriage, what would you want to know? What’s the best marriage advice you ever received? What had you wished you’d known about having a happy marriage the day you got married?
I would love to hear your thoughts.
And, as an added bonus, I’m giving away a free marriage book to one of lucky gal (or guy). All you have to do is leave a comment below.
for years we are taught to submit to our husbands. the “s” word just makes you cringe! even when explained that is really a military operation and you have a mission under his mission. well that’s great for Afghanistan or Iraq but in south orange county or even in Chicago it’s a real stretch.
it wasn’t until i really understood that respect is the air that Jim breathes and if i am disrespectful i am stepping on his air hose! GASP…choke; cough
The amplified version says it best: and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly. eph 5:33
This passage has become my personal 12 step program:
RESPECT
REVERENCE
NOTICE
REGARD
HONOR
PREFER
VENERATE
ESTEEM
DEFER
PRAISE
LOVE
ADMIRE
Life works so much better this way. 🙂
My husband and I have been married for 37 years and have been actively involved with a couple of marriage ministries during that time. We were on the board for Assembly of God Marriage Encounter for Northern Calif. and helped with Family Life’s “Weekend To Remember” conferences. What a blessing that was.
2 of our daughters got married 4 years ago and our youngest just got engaged this Valentine’s Day. She actually found her perfect dress, just today. They’ve asked her dad to perform the ceremony and I’m sure he will share what the Lord gives him regarding covenant and it will include what he has been teaching for the last several years… Walking in the Spirit is essential in everything we do, In a marriage, both husband and wife need to listen to the Holy Spirit and obey Him. I know that sounds very simplistic, but the Words says in Gal. 5:16 “If you walk in the Spirit, you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh.” A lot of problems in marriage are caused because someone wants what they want and let’s selfishness rule instead of the Holy Spirit.
I have also told our daughters and son-in-laws to remove the word “divorce” from their vocabulary. Marriage is more than commitment or a contract, it is a covenant and it is not to broken.
We will be praying for you and your husband as you prepare to minister this weekend. It is such an important ministry.
Thanks for your insights, Janiece, and your prayers for this weekend! Congratulations on your daughter’s engagement. How fun to have found the dress today!
Its the reality that the person you’re married to has vowed to remain steadfast by your side, and you to theirs…and its the safety of knowing that this person, whether they are mad at you or not, will always be looking out for your best interest and to protect you from harm. I find this amazing at times when I know I don’t deserve my Husbands kindness because of a grumpy day or two on my part and he still will be the kindest person in the world to me, knowing that I am going through a temporary bump in the road and the person he truly loves is right here, even though I may be under some temporary “grumpy” spell : ) I must admit that I do not do the same as easily but watching his example of true and unconditional love teaches me what its supposed to look like.
Have a great day, Donna! XO
Everything in this article has been really helpful for me in my work as an MFT with couples.
http://www.drsuejohnson.com/uncategorized/how-does-love-work/#more-664
The best advice I ever received after I got married that I wish I had known before is this:
If you are getting married because you are looking for pleasure and happiness in a husband, he will fail you time and time again. You cannot look to others to make you happy. You must look to God for the ultmate unconditional love. Only God is capable of giving that kind of love, then you you pray for a mate that is a Godly man, that will have the character of God. A man that desires the love of God and loves God, will be capable of loving and desiring his wife as he vows to at his wedding.
The grass is greener where you water and fertilize it. Listen, honor, and respect each other.
My husband made me a wood sign we hang over our bed that.says
Always kiss me goodnight
That has helped us! Even during arguments or especially during arguments!
My husband and I included in our vows, to always have the Lord as the center of our marriage. We also agreed right up front, that divorce would never be an option. We also prayed every evening together as a couple. Then the amazing level of respect we both had for each other deepened our love over the years.
Love this, Shawna!!
My husband and I have been married 45 1/2 years. When we got married the thought of not having a happy marriage never crossed my mind. No one gave me advise on having a happy marriage. We loved each other, and married bringing into the marriage three children from a previous marriage.
We have had many for betters and worse situations…but we have stayed together because we first loved each other, realized we had made a committment and with God’s help decided He would help get us through.
We feel possitive communication with each other is one of the most important areas that needs to be in a marriage. There are many ways to communicate. All living things need to feel wanted…married or not so we vote for communicating with each other as important as loving one another.
Before our marriage 30 years ago, our minister advised us to not go to bed angry. I can’t say we have never gone to bed angry, but we have never gone to separate beds and we strive to discuss our feelings of anger or disagreements before we go to bed. Sometimes we are up very late…..sometimes we still aren’t happy with each other….but we communicate, sleep together, wake up together and start fresh the next morning.
Thank you Donna for this insight, along with your other blogs. I enjoying reading them as it always blesses me. The only thing maybe I would like to share is that as a wife of 17 years (a baby, compare to the ones above) is that be willing to his prayer warrior! I would say that this act of love has blessed my marriage tremendously and has also helped me be a better wife. Yay God!!! Praying for you and JP this weekend at marriage retreat!!!
“Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her.” John Chrysostom, the great preacher, said, “Hear the measure of love, if it be needful that thou shouldest give thy life for her or be cut to pieces a thousand times, or endure anything whatever, refuse it not. Christ brought His church to His feet by His great care, not by threats or any such thing. So do thou conduct thyself toward thy wife.” There is but one key to marriage, and it rests solely in the hand of a godly husband who is willing to give everything for his wife, with the expectation of nothing in return. A lifetime husband is the love leader, the joy creator, the primary peacemaker, and the constant practitioner of patience. He starts each moment with kindness, strives toward goodness, and is the first man of faithfulness. He is unfailingly a gentleman, and strictly self-controlled with eyes only for her. He is a one-woman man first, last and always. And as he daily takes up the impossible but real responsibility to love this way, he’ll find an equally loving and willing gift to walk the path with him, and model what those around them want and need to see in this world: the great mystery of God’s love for His own bride.
Donna, I love, love all your posts. You are my inspiration. I would love to come hear you speak. Unfortunately, I have been married 3 times. I am in my 3rd marriage. What I can say is what definitely doesn’t work. I have found that respect has to be there for it to work. You have to respect each other and the other important element is to be able to listen to each other. If you don’t listen then you won’t hear the little things going on that are sometimes the most important. The last thing I will say that I think is important is to pray for your husband and your marriage. My marriage is not the best but I do pray for us and him so that one day it will be the marriage that I have always wanted. I am determined taht I will not be divorced again. I am working hard at compromise and working through lifes little bumps and hills. Everything is possible through our Lord, Jesus Christ. Bless you and your husband.