The Top 10 Secrets to a Really Happy Marriage (part 1)

Marriage.

It can be tough. It can be amazing.  It can make you feel loved.  It can make you feel like the biggest sinner on earth.  Marriage is the blending of two individuals into one family unit.  It’s a partnership.  A romance.  A friendship.  A team.  It’s the foundation of society and the best reflection of God to a watching world.

So how do you make this thing called marriage work?  For real.

Two weekends ago JP and I spoke at a marriage conference.  Last week I spoke on marriage at a church about an hour from my home in southern California.  Last month I spoke on marriage for the Los Angeles County Firefighter wives. Every person present –man or woman– wanted to know the same things:  how can I make my marriage the best it can be?  How can we be happy? What’s the secret to making it work?  In fact, even our waitress during the marriage conference wanted to know the scoop on having a successful marriage.

So I figured it was about time to put my thoughts down in writing. Please know that I’m on the same journey. I’m simply a woman who wants to be a great wife, but who’s still in the process. But after 27 years I have learned a thing or two…even if sometimes the hard way.

Let me be upfront and tell you that one verse has particularly shaped my thoughts on being a wife: She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life (Proverbs 31:12).  If you’ve heard me speak recently, you haven’t heard me reference this verse, but it’s a pivotal one for me.  When all is said and done, I want JP to say being married to Donna made my life better, happier and more fulfilled. She helped me be all God wanted me to be, and all God wanted us to be, and all God wanted our kids to be. She brought me good.

This is what I want to be true.  But in real life, it hasn’t always been true. Like all marriage couples we’ve had our moments.

Oh yes.

Lovely moments.

Ahem.

In other words, we are normal.  Like you. And we really, truly do have a happy marriage – really happy. Not perfect, mind you (if you’re looking for perfection, give it up, girlfriend.  It doesn’t exist). But happy.

So here is my top ten list of how to have a happy marriage (in no particular order of importance).  I’ll share the first five today and the last five in my next post.

1. Never stop being his girlfriend. Snuggle, hug, kiss, laugh, dance in the kitchen, flirt and enjoy the ride. (P.S.  If you have already stopped, start again.  It’ll be good for both of you!)

2. Communicate effectively.  Notice that I didn’t just say communicate.  I said communicate effectively. Which means you speak the truth (no secrets, no manipulation, no “little white lies”) and you do it in love (ask “would I want someone to talk to me the way I talk to him?”  And… if you’ve ever heard me speak on this, you know what I am going to say next….drum roll, please…

“Expectation without communication leads to frustration.”

So tell him what you need, nicely, before you flip out from frustration, anger or resentment. It works.  I promise.

3. Live by the “if it’s important to you, it’s important to me” rule.  This way, both your needs and his needs get met without competing to see whose way wins.

4. Expect Conflict. Resolve Conflict. Conflict happens.  For every person, in every marriage.  Don’t think for a minute that your marriage is headed for collapse if you have conflict, or that you’d have a conflict-free marriage with a different spouse.  You won’t, because conflict in marriage is part of the gig.

The issue is not ridding your marriage of conflict, it’s resolving it. How?

Don’t make the small things big.  And don’t make the big things small.

Sometimes in marriage we argue over the most ridiculous things.  Try not to make the small things big.  Try to focus on the real, underlying issues and the important stuff.  Take a minute to ask yourself “is this issue really that big of a deal to me?”  If it’s not, let it go (or see number 2, above).

But sometimes in marriage we’re afraid to deal with the hard stuff, so we ignore it, stuff it, and just hope it will magically get better.  The hard stuff has to be dealt with, sooner or later.  So do yourself and your marriage a favor and deal with it sooner.

And above all….really, I mean this…don’t let the sun go down on your anger.  Work it through to the best of your ability.  Don’t use the silent treatment; it rarely – if ever—produces the outcome you hope for.  Neither does engaging in a yelling match.  Trash these ineffective strategies.  Instead talk to each other like adult human beings and listen to your spouse like you want your spouse to listen to you.

If all else fails, acknowledge that you aren’t enemies, you’re on the same team, and that you want to make it through.

5. Have fun!  As JP says “there’s a reason the Bachelor never picks the most beautiful girl, or the smartest girl, or even the girl that would make the best wife. He always picks the girl he has fun with.”

And yes, we have two teenage/early twenties daughters, which means we watch The Bachelor.  It’s made for some pretty terrific relationship conversations at our house (OK, so mostly ones of me saying “This is so unrealistic.  Why is he keeping her?  I am never watching this stupid show again!”) But the point remains:  it’s your life, your man, and your marriage. Having fun doesn’t have to cost a dime. With minimal effort and virtually no cost, you could be a fun wife. It’s all in the attitude, girlfriend. The fun you have today is an investment you make in your happiness tomorrow.