What Happy Married Couples Do

The caption on the cover of the magazine caught my eye; What Happy Married Couples Do (that you should, too).

Turns out the article didn’t deliver as much as the title promised.  But it did get me thinking.  What do happy married couples do?  After 26 years of being happily married, and having a boat load of friends who are happily married, too, I figure I know a thing or two about the topic. Of course no relationship comes with a guarantee, but still, happily married couples generally share some common denominators.

Here’s my list of the top five things married couples do:

1.     They Play Together.

Yep. That’s number one.  Know why?  Because if you never stop dating your spouse, you’ll most likely never fall out of love with your spouse.  And by “dating” I don’t mean have a date night (although it’s not a bad idea).  It’s just that plenty of couples share a “date night” but never really learn to play together. Playing doesn’t have to cost one dime.  Not even for a babysitter.

Here’s how a few of my very happily married friends play:

• Chuck and Lori take a running leap into bed at night.
• Karen and Dean make up funny, ridiculous songs.
• Brenda and Mike take relaxing vacations together (OK, so that one isn’t free…but it’s worth it!)
• Donna and JP dance in the kitchen and share countless inside jokes.

Some couples take evening walks. Some go on Sunday drives, play tennis, or work in the yard. Each couple is different, but whatever feels like play, whatever makes you laugh, whatever connects the two of you and nobody else, do it.

2.     They Accept Each Other

This is a biggie.  It’s been said that men get married hoping she’ll never change, while women get married hoping he will. New Flash:  She will. He won’t.

Oh sure, most of us mellow with age.  We get a little wiser and some of us get a little rounder. Our hair thins and our tight little bodies start to sag, but our basic temperament is here to stay. So instead of trying to change their spouse, what do happy married couples do?  They not only learn to accept their spouse, they grow to appreciate him or her. They actually begin to see the value in their spouse’s differences and they learn to find their spouse’s idiosyncrasies endearing.

Yes. Endearing.

Let me give you an example.  I’m kind of a control freak.  Yesterday after church we went to lunch and the server asked JP if he would like chips or an apple with his sandwich.  I happen to know that he rarely eats chips.  I was also aware that we were fresh out of apples at home (and our kids love apples). Seeing his ambivalence about the choices, and knowing he wouldn’t eat either, I piped up, “Have the apple”, at which point my kids looked at me like I had just asked him to fly to the moon.  “Have a few control issues, Mom?” my daughter teased.

Um. Yeah.

But here’s the deal.  We laughed.  All of us.  Me. JP. The kids. Why?  Because we accept each other—the good, the bad, the whole enchilada. And we kind of think our somewhat wacko idiosyncrasies make us loveable (at least when they aren’t driving us crazy).

One last side note:  yesterday (yes, the same day I told JP to order the apple, which he ignored, and ordered the chips.  And didn’t eat them.  I told you I knew. But I digress…) JP told me, “I love being married to you.”

Best compliment ever.

3.     They Forgive Each Other

Let’s get honest here. Even when a couple plays together and accepts each other, conflict still happens.  It just does. Even in the best of marriages.

Lest you think something is wrong with you, your spouse, and your marriage because you argue, disagree, or feel like running away to Switzerland every now and then, I will say it again: Conflict is part of life even for really happy couples.

Conflict itself isn’t the problem.  It’s how you handle the conflict that counts.

So what do happy couples do, that you should, too?  Three things:

1. They don’t make the small things big (see apple example above:) ).
2. They don’t make the big things small (some things should make you mad and need to be addressed!)
3. They learn to forgive.

How does a conflict ridden, discontent, unhappy couple put these things into practice?  One word: humility.

Humble yourself enough to say “I’m sorry”. “I was wrong”  “I handled that badly” “I want to change”. Humble yourself enough to say “It’s ok, I’ve done that, too”, “I understand”, “I accept your apology”, “Let’s move forward”.

Humility isn’t easy, but the payoff is a happy marriage.

4.     They Keep the Intimacy Smokin’

Now as I write this, I must tell you that my first inclination is to remember that my parents read this blog.  BUT, I realize that my madly-in-love-after-52 years-of -marriage parents modeled the love I’m talking about here.  My dad still regularly tells my mom how cute she is.  My mom still thinks my dad is the best man on earth. They’ve kept the home fires hot by the way they speak to each other, the way they play with each other, and the way they talk about each other.  They’re still affectionate and playful, even after all these years.

And they are happy.

Our friends Brenda and Mike (remember the Brenda and Mike who vacation together?) have learned this, too.  A couple of years ago, they celebrated their anniversary in Hawaii.  Mike got Brenda (former home-schooling, woman most like Jesus you have ever met, Brenda) a little gift—with the emphasis on little. A bikini.

Her response?  “Well, I guess Mike is just applying the Bible when it says “rejoice in the wife of your youth” she said with a sly smile.

Needless to say, they’re happy, too.

5.     They Hang On, Even When It Seems Easier to Let Go

Over the course of a lifetime together every couple has their share of joys and sorrows; of dreams fulfilled and dreams dashed; of ups and downs; of good days and bad days; of success and of failure.

It’s called life.

Whoever wrote the marriage vows we recite when we get married sure knew what they were talking about. Remember the day you promised to keep those vows—your wedding day?

I take you

To have and to hold from this day forward,

For better or for worse,

For richer or for poorer,

In sickness and in health,

And forsaking all others, will remain faithful to you

As long as we both shall live.

Happy couples aren’t happy because they never have problems.  It isn’t because their lives are trouble-free.  It’s not because they don’t have financial pressure, or health issues, or personal baggage to overcome.  Happy couples still have heartache.  They still face trials.  They go through periods of doubt and confusion.  But they don’t forget one thing: the promise they made.  To their spouse.  To themselves.  To their families.

To God.

And happy couples do one more, very important—maybe all important—thing.  They cling to Christ, knowing that as they hold on to God, they gain the strength to hold on to their spouses, their children, their families. Their happiness.

What do happy couples do that you should do, too?

They play.

They accept

They forgive.

They’re intimate.

They’re committed.

And they do these things as they depend on God.